With this post, I am announcing my run for President of the United States of America. I can guarantee that I will not be bought, as I will not be accepting any campaign contributions. If you really feel like donating, please send your money to an organization like Care or Oxfam America.

Please remember to cast your vote for me as a write-in candidate in 18 months.

Why choose Burstein?

Are you tired of politicians who say a bunch of things to get elected, do something completely different, and then gaslight you by suggesting that this is what they meant to do all along? Aren’t you done with politicians who carefully vet their talking points—and still put their feet firmly in their mouths? Do you really think that incessant political advertisements are a good idea? Did you really want to spend what precious little time you have on this planet going to see a politician give the same speech over and over?

You won’t get that with me. I mean what I say, though, alas, I will totally put my feet in my mouth from time to time. If I don’t do what I say, I will begin my explanation of why with “I’m sorry,” and then proceed to discuss what changed, whether it is my views or the facts or my knowledge of the facts. I’m not against “retail politics,” but boy howdy do I dislike “stump speeches”—so there will be none of the latter in my campaign.

There are many good reasons to vote for me: I’m smart, charming (when I want to be), funny, and my parents think very highly of me. I am virtually incorruptible, as I have a visceral dislike of most of the forces, institutions, and people who might corrupt me. I have no skeletons in my closet, since I am proud of my degeneracy. I’m honest, and I cannot abide bullshitters, flimflam artists, grifters, and other politicians and media “personalities.” Also, I enjoy swearing, and who doesn’t want a president who looks over to Vladimir Putin and asks, “Are you fucking kidding me with this?”

My party affiliation

I have none. I have a difficult time thinking of politics in terms of gamesmanship, and so I don’t play for any team. I am not beholden to either of the two major parties. I am happy to work with people of good will who understand that the nature of a flourishing democratic government requires a moral commitment to compromise.

My platform

1. Legalize, tax, and regulate all recreational drugs. The DEA will be largely disbanded and almost entirely disarmed; agents who are not disarmed will have to wear frilly pink lace uniforms.
2. Reduce the “personhood” of corporations to the minimum required for them to operate.
3. Any business that is deemed too big to fail will either be nationalized or its board of directors and top-level executives will become criminally liable for damage to the economy.
4. Outlaw the death penalty, except for major financial crimes. If it is a crime for a poor person to snatch the wealth of others, then it is a worse crime for an organized group of rich people to snatch the wealth of a nation.
5. Undo neo-liberal education reforms (e.g., Common Core and No Child Left Behind).
6. Fund education and pay teachers as if the success of future citizens is a priority.
7. Close all military bases abroad, except for countries that invite us and pay full freight for the service.
8. Demilitarize police forces.
9. Legalize prostitution (insert joke about politicians here), and strengthen penalties for human trafficking.
10. End mass incarceration.
11. Replace the Affordable Care Act with Canadian-style health care.
12. Ensure “Net Neutrality” and make ISPs common carriers.
13. Publish the personal correspondence—including email, text messages, and phone calls—of all intelligence-related NSA personnel online. I suggest we call it watchingthewatchmen.gov.
14. Invest in infrastructure, both physical and human, as if we want this country to be around for a while longer.
15. End non-humanitarian aid to foreign countries.
16. Rename the Federal Christmas holiday “Winter Solstice.”
17. Relax ineffective gun laws, on the condition that all gun owners must be a part of a duly constituted, well regulated militia. (There will be regular drills, and gun skills and safety training will be required.)
18. Tax religious institutions. Religious organizations that are “organized and operated exclusively” for other 501(c)(3) purposes, which include “charitable, scientific, testing for public safety, literary, or educational purposes, fostering national or international amateur sports competition, or preventing cruelty to children or animals,” may retain non-profit status.
19. All lobbyists must dress up like clowns when conducting business—anywhere they might be conducting business. Former elected officials or government employees who are now lobbyists must dress up like Pennywise, the clown from It, but lobbyists who have never been elected or worked in government may choose any traditional clown style.
20. If congress doesn’t pass legislation granting DC statehood, the residents of DC should be allowed to vote in every district’s election for the U.S. House of Representatives and every state’s election for the U.S. Senate.

Other important issues

There are, indeed, many other important issues. Stay tuned for updates, position papers, and other hilarity.